Living through what could've been....

Waking from this slumber,
to search for the lost present,
to find a reason,
which led to avoiding you with such vehement passion.

I remember the rationalisations,
but I don't remember the course of action,
I can repeat the reasons,
but can't fathom your reservations.

Weak moments have occurred,
but have passed,
this time was different,
because time already had, the die cast.

Recursion of the same times,
reminder of the sane tides,
the need for seeking the familiar,
has led to living through what could've been....


  

Grey

Song in background : Maryan - Yenga pona raasa

It's time to learn.
It's time to heal.
It's time to put things on an even keel.

It's time for moving forward.
It's time for moving past.
It's time for retiring the mental cast.

It's time for coincidences to end.
It's time for you and me to be laid to rest.
It's time for things to happen at my behest.

Alas, it's not to be.
Again, I resign to my fate of coincidences.
No control, no commander.
Once again, I begin to ponder.

Thoughts like heavy anchors,
stirring my mind's settled floor,
exposing the settled scabs of the gone era,
loosening my grip on this terra firma.

It begins again...

Song in background : Eskimo Joe - From the sea

In a knot again, the world is repeating itself now, same obsession, same anxiety but this time i cannot interact with the situation because i should not. There's nothing but pain and complications for all of us, if i did. As much as you love someone or care for someone you still can't make them feel as strongly about you.

Four years of trying to move on, resulted in me coming back to the same place, nothing has resulted in the right direction. The funny thing is - you are the ONLY exception. A whole relationship based on coincidences. But it's too late now, you have moved on, probably happy with your life.

When it all ended I knew this much, I had made the biggest mistake of my life but for just once I wanted you to fight for us, but you chose to avoid future hypothetical pains and I chose to give up. But still struggle with this question every day, did i make the right decision, I am not sure what the future holds for both of us. The truth of the matter is, I was tired of fighting for you, after years of convincing you, after years of being besides you no matter what.

I guess this is all pointless, this late night pondering, but i still wonder - how do you remember me, do you still think of me, do you feel the way, for once i want to know what is in your heart of hearts, still don't know how we reached this point. I was too afraid to know the answer back then, it's too late now.

The people surrounding probably laugh at me, still stuck where you were four years ago. What an eejit! I have been through so much more in the last four years, but still you are a given constant. The irrational part of me that still dictates my life and course of my life. The skin still crawls with "you don't care and don't want to care". I still hope for that co-incidence, but even if that co-incidence happened, I will be too afraid to do anything. Because that is how I live my life now, "Without risks". And you are the biggest risk of them all.

I wonder how people do it, how they deal with it all....Obsession is destructive for human psyche. Now, that the threads of my entire psyche lie in tatters again. If only i could make a deal with god, if existent, if ever listening, if caring... but there are other people who deserve my prayers more than myself.

The consequences of a single moment 4 years ago, has rendered my future so very complicated. I cried for you after such a long time...

I have loved you like no other, then why did things turn out this way.

Misery United.....

What's there in a name? This is an experiment to see how visible my blog becomes after changing the name to MISERYUNITED. So far three bots and one human being have seen this blog. Well, that says something about the content.....

Been a while.....

"Life's funny that way" - that's my new catch phrase.

Lot of "thought threads" have been created by my mind in the past couple of years, with most of these threads have never spun into anything useful but instead they have assimilated into the web of my mind. But the lingering feeling of deja-vu still exists.

Plethora of Thaumaturgical

Lets start of with a poem which might be anarchic in its direct form but holds a greater significance in its hidden meaning (which is more based on the reader's perception but still I like to believe that it has a hidden meaning).

Remember, remember the fifth of November,
gunpowder, treason and plot,
I see no reason why gunpowder treason
should ever be forgot.

Guy Fawkes, Guy Fawkes,
'twas his intent
to blow up the King and the Parliament.
Three score barrels of powder below,
Poor old England to overthrow:
By God's providence he was catch'd
With a dark lantern and burning match.
Holloa boys, holloa boys, make the bells ring.
Holloa boys, holloa boys, God save the King!
Hip hip hoorah!

A penny loaf to feed the Pope.
A farthing o' cheese to choke him.
A pint of beer to rinse it down.
A faggot of sticks to burn him.
Burn him in a tub of tar.
Burn him like a blazing star.
Burn his body from his head.
Then we'll say ol' Pope is dead.
Hip hip hoorah!
Hip hip hoorah!

The poem above is not the most poltically correct poem that you will ever read in the current environment. But we should realise one thing the above kind of political activism is the reason why certain world governments are and would be afraid to make certain choices.

Discontented cuts Inside

All my blogs have all been inspired by music or some song to which I have become addicted to. Something I am feeling, there's something thats wrong. Pain is the only time I feel human.

I am falling again. WHY?? Why must I fall all the time? You are killing me. Why must I always fall for the wrong girl?WHY??????

Boyfriends and Ex-boyfriends and dads and brothers, basically all men out there are making my life hell through a girl.

Its a talent, this knack for finding the most difficult or impossible girls to get and then I fall for them and then they leave. Then months of sleepless nights and anxiety & the whole thing will repeat itself again. Maybe I have become the most uneligible bachelor in the world and the only girls that are interested in me are the ones i cant see myself with. Why???? I see myself in this other guy that guy shows me my future which leads nowhere. Everyday drink ( even though I don't drink & smoke) till your eyes become the story of your life and then smoke and go un-noticed or being bitched behind by back by some self-righteous looser.

Where am I heading? I was returning to my happy mode for past two months, I mean really happy it showed on my face, my confidence and how i dressed but I guess its back to the same old shit. I am making the same mistake again. Its 3 am in the morning and I am writing god knows what? Will I ever be god and reach that ultimate power?

I want to shout at the top of my lungs neither do i have the energy or the confidence to do so(what if some one hears, what if someone sees me and thinks I am a weirdo??). Basically I am living this life right now to show how normal I am.

Well this blog has not been updated for a while and I keep adding stuff to this post which has not been published. This time has basically been spent on running after the wrong chic(fuck you!!!!). I am in a very angry mood since friday because of her ex. And its pissing me off and I dont want to be the friend who is always there. Fuck this shit!!!!

Finally one positive news, I have got through a graduate program and look forward to join the program next year. WHY WON'T YOU DIE, YOUR BLOOD IN MINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Currently listening to Linkin Park - System, I think it was featured in Underworld soundtrack) But god I am so angry, I am actually grinding my teeth, I am not a nice person. WHY won't she call!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LINKIN PARK RULES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!