Discontented cuts Inside

All my blogs have all been inspired by music or some song to which I have become addicted to. Something I am feeling, there's something thats wrong. Pain is the only time I feel human.

I am falling again. WHY?? Why must I fall all the time? You are killing me. Why must I always fall for the wrong girl?WHY??????

Boyfriends and Ex-boyfriends and dads and brothers, basically all men out there are making my life hell through a girl.

Its a talent, this knack for finding the most difficult or impossible girls to get and then I fall for them and then they leave. Then months of sleepless nights and anxiety & the whole thing will repeat itself again. Maybe I have become the most uneligible bachelor in the world and the only girls that are interested in me are the ones i cant see myself with. Why???? I see myself in this other guy that guy shows me my future which leads nowhere. Everyday drink ( even though I don't drink & smoke) till your eyes become the story of your life and then smoke and go un-noticed or being bitched behind by back by some self-righteous looser.

Where am I heading? I was returning to my happy mode for past two months, I mean really happy it showed on my face, my confidence and how i dressed but I guess its back to the same old shit. I am making the same mistake again. Its 3 am in the morning and I am writing god knows what? Will I ever be god and reach that ultimate power?

I want to shout at the top of my lungs neither do i have the energy or the confidence to do so(what if some one hears, what if someone sees me and thinks I am a weirdo??). Basically I am living this life right now to show how normal I am.

Well this blog has not been updated for a while and I keep adding stuff to this post which has not been published. This time has basically been spent on running after the wrong chic(fuck you!!!!). I am in a very angry mood since friday because of her ex. And its pissing me off and I dont want to be the friend who is always there. Fuck this shit!!!!

Finally one positive news, I have got through a graduate program and look forward to join the program next year. WHY WON'T YOU DIE, YOUR BLOOD IN MINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Currently listening to Linkin Park - System, I think it was featured in Underworld soundtrack) But god I am so angry, I am actually grinding my teeth, I am not a nice person. WHY won't she call!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LINKIN PARK RULES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Power of thoughts

I am dying to succeed. I am dead scared to try. People around me are telling me everything will be fine. But its not about being fine its about reaching the top. What am I doing wrong? I want to live my life to the fullest. Finally I feel that I am in full control of my life but yet I hesitate to BLOW and take hold of this life. But this hesitation brings a new panache, a new breath into my existence. I want excitement in my life or maybe I don't.

But I want to experience new things in life. I want to scream out that I am ready now but this does not mean that I should stop learning. I want to be the engine of perfection. I never thought I would ever say this but I demand "PERFECTION". I want to shout out that I am ready. Am I?

Will this self-doubt ever go away? The repetitive visualisation in my head has changed. I am different yet I am the same. Why am I craving the Ultimate Power? To me Perfection is the source to the Ultimate Power. Ultimate Power (definition) having the power to make the vacuum around you move. I am god, Am I god, Am I possessed by my darkeness, What is powering me, (Yet as I write my thoughts i seem to be loosing something?), Do your thoughts loose power when you express them?

Let me ask you something, close your eyes for a moment and think of a scene or a picture which represents THE POWER to you (which makes you feel, POWERFUL again)?

I FEEL POWERLESS NOW. Has the power been lost in the words above? I think when you say something or write something it looses its power, Somehow it becomes corrupt. If you ask me, what is the purest thing in the world?

A Thought, dying at the first moment of its existence.

But what irony does thought suffer from? It looses its power (its meaning) the more it propagates.

Capitalism, Socilaism, Religion, whatever? were just thoughts and now can be seen as the part of corruption that surrounds us.

Youth of the Nation

We are, We are, The Youth of the Nation!!!!!

Is that how we feel about our great nation, INDIA? We have the oldest culture, we created and defined the word CULTURE. Are we proud of it? This very fact has been reduced to just a trump card that we choose to use in a discussion of cultures to prove our point.
I want you to have a good look at your country right now

http://www.lonelyplanet.com/mapshells/indian_subcontinent/india/india.htm

http://www.payer.de/ kommkulturen/kultur13421.htm

Do you see the beauty of the country, its shape, its magnificence? Its like a proud mother.

We are a Nation. I pray we all see this.

Can you return her to her past glory?

All I want you as the youth of the nation is to stand up when next time the national anthem comes up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Insight to Humor and Courtship

Well, I was thinking what is humor good for? Humor, the present form of humor present in the entertainment business is stand-up comedy which seems to be the most popular. Stand-up comedians, well, they are like social commentators who basically make fun of the various oddities of the audience and we the audience basically pay them to make fun of us.(Thats the most cynical view I could think of!!!) Most stand-up comedians are geeks in one way or another, they do not belong to cool people category. Its different and rare for a cool(I mean this definition is subjective but just for the argument sake, right now that there are cool people in the world but there aren't any really) person to have a sense of humor but it basically borders on degrading pranks. If you come to think of it, everything basically boils down to your high school where everyone starts to form their personalities. Comedians were the bunch who were always made fun of but some pranksters make it to the comedian category too but very few.

Well, if you come to think of it the most popular program on the world is Simpsons or South park (depending on how many brain cells you want to utilize!!). That means this generation of people have never really grown out of watching cartoons and playing computer games. There is a paradox, even though everyone is growing up faster(by this I mean a kid at an age of 18 would be more mature and knowledgeable than the same kid 50yrs ago), our mental levels still lies at the same level of pre-teens until the age of 40s when you hit mid-life crisis and you can't find joy in the same activities(Some still do!!!! Some 40 somethings play CS online). So my point is there is a growth of market value of nerds or dorks category in the world. So a sort of Revenge of the Nerds movie.

But since we are discussing about nerds being comedians, so when did nerds become funny. The thing is nerds have to be funny or as we can say have to be funny if they ever wanna get laid. And to give some credit to nerds they did vary their style of comedy from technology and all things nerd to anything not nerd and occasionally about themselves. This is a strategy built into nerds to help them get laid that is to be funny with ladies. See the thing is nerd won't get laid in one night (except if he has "MADE IT"!!) it will take a lot of work to move from acquaintances to friends TO "Last night was a big mistake, we should go back to just being friends" (i.e. last night was no good for the friend). But in the past few years how many times have you seen a geek with a hot girl(Personally, I don't even keep a count anymore).

See, here is the explanation, girls today due to their feminist drive and everything, they need personal vanity projects for bragging rights with their friends. Geek just has to show that glimmer of light to the ladies that they want to be improved but they haven't found anyone like her who can convert our lovable funny geek into THE STUD. Well, in the end, the geek's charm lies in his helplessness and his subtly funny humor, which seems charming to women. But hey who's complaining.

You see, geeks can't pick up in clubs and even in bars they work better with social threads. And in this age of optimization the geek has optimized himself to reach a new high in mating. See, its not that value of studs/cools/jocks has gone down but they are just one night cheat stands for a great night out. ("Oh honey, I can't make it tonight I am babysitting my friend Joshina's little brother tonight" WICKED!!!) . But the geeks have increased their market value and have learnt some marketing techniques(take bill gates for an example).

HOPE IT GIVES SOME HOPE TO A GEEK TO GET OUT THERE. NAMELY .............................

World passes me by

Well, the world passes me by and I can't do anything about it. You know the shot in the movies when they see the central character just standing in the middle and not moving and the world moves on and passes them by!! Thats the feeling I get right now. I am listening to Bulla, ki jana main kaun? A search for self (WHO AM I???) like all the other philosophers of the song's time and over the history of PHILOSOPHERS searching for this question. And put in a very apt poem by a 18th century Sufi-philosopher called "Baba Bulle Shah". Well, now this poem popularised by his modern version of Spiritual student and a Sufi rocker if you will like to call him that and he has with the quintessential story of struggle. But the reason I am writing about this song is because watching the video for the first time, I could relate. But the singer with his opinions and thoughts just caught and stuck in the moment and standing there, isn't an original idea for a video, it has been done in MILLIONS OF english song videos where our depressed singer and the social outcast just sits there wondering about how much money is going to make on this album(my guess is quarter of a million in royalties!!). But not the point of the blog, point is the way I feel and how I have started relating to things I thought were (how to put it) well, BULLSHIT. But when you are unsure you RELATE, that is your stress somehow forcing you to relate and makes you find solace to see that someone is suffering in the same way as you(kind of sadistic but when you are down you( When I say "YOU" I mean your physiology and chemicals in your body) will find anyway to bring you yourself up).

But The All Powerful questions "Who am I?" & "Why am I here?". The idealistic morons or smart asses told you that questioning attitude is good. But when you asked them why does PCl5(Phosphorous Penta-chloride) exists and why the structure is the way it is, they say somethings are the way they are. WHAT?? So we should only question things for which we can easily find answers for(I don't wanna put down people working on BLACK MATTER theories & Parallel Universes theory). Anyway I don't want to discuss my theory for the structure of PCl5. Most experts can't fight with my explanation. But hey who's complaining.

Well, what I believe is that, if the life is going straight for you. LET IT BE don't start asking questions you aren't ready to seek the answers to, so don't ask questions like "Who am I" & "What am I doing here". Thousands of philosophers have pondered upon these and have come up with (well, how to put it nicely!) JACK SQUAT. I think things should be kept simple. Believe me or not Einstein explained things very simply (which could be due to his Autistic condition, Asperger's Syndrome to be exact). I mean what he said made perfect logical sense even his self proclaimed biggest blunder is now the BLACK MATTER theory. And even scientists are turning into sensationalists these, but i mean it is the reflection of the society which is becoming more sensationalistic by the day. Well, what does it tell you when someone comes up with anti-matter and calls it "BLACK MATTER". Well the fatso chick sitting next to me is ANNOYING ME! with everyword that come out of her mouth.

Hi, How are you doing? I haven't seen you in the computer room lately.

Saw a very boring movie named "THE GIFT", well all people with southern accents.(Hate the southern accent, if you have a southern accent and you have a jesus tattoo with a hood in back of your truck, you know you are a red-neck). Like the Irish and Scottish accent very much but more so Irish accent.

But tell me did Venus blow your mind, Was it everything you wanted to find,
while you were looking for yourself out there. "Drops of Jupiter" - Train

Well finding my-self, finding your-self, What does it mean? When have I lost myself, so that I have to find myself?HUh!!HUh!!
I used to think its just westerners way of saying that the things that are happening around them are not their fault and They just want to put their heads in the sand like an OSTRICH (interesting thing is that this behavior has not been found in ostriches observed in wild or captivity). Well, whatever "just a saying", words said have no weight these days.

Well since I started this blog, the struggle has been with myself and top is nowhere near. If you are fighting with yourself, you are not going to reach anywhere that's a well proven fact. And another thing Katie holmes looks nice in THE GIFT and she has like 6 scenes and in most of them she is .... well, whatever!!!

Watch "Garden State", then you will understand what I mean, when you are not happening? I mean basically I am having my mid-life crisis way before and the worst part is I can't even buy a Porsche or a beamer to satisfy my ego.

I will continue this later...........I want time to stop. The thing is, it can be stopped if I am moving fast enough. But the thing is I am not moving at all, so its not even slowing down even a bit, let alone stopping. TIME also means I MET............................Really want time to stop. I guess then the earth should start spinning faster,to I could go to mercury so if mercury was hospitable I would live longer. Well, whatever!!!!! Evanescence - AC SCENE EVEN, they say contemplate more and think less. Descartes (a mathematician and a philosopher).

PS: Believe me or not, guitar is the door to your soul - Me, Me, ME

Helpful Insight to No-one

As usual(well not usual but something of a habit for last six months), I sit in the morning at 5am on another lousy weekend, not that I don't have plans for the weekend. I have so many places to go to that it might just seem like a weekday but hey, who's complaining.

Got a stupid park cricket match with some loosers from the rich end of the town. Not to say that they drive mercs or beamers but I still love to play mind games before a match. But not the point of the blog. Before I begin the point of the blog, let me (bitch, have to use another word not a male ego satisfying word => lets use "rant", shall we!! and if you haven't noticed I love to dissect human emotions into a set of cause and actions or reactions, you can call it love to establish causality in the human emotion system => now talked like a true engineer, which brings me to my current dream job obsession of being A Psychiatrist, anyways moving forward). let me rant about the bally sagoo show tonite we were supposed to go to and couldn't get entry but hey who's complaining. The show was a dud last two times as well so don't expect it to be a major hit tonite as well. Don't get me wrong, the music's good but you can't pick up chics (the major reason for an semi-introvert like ME to go to such loud places, and apologies to any feminist activists/lesbians 4 picking up thing:) ) because all the chics have the so called "male friends" and wanna-be boyfriends who are ready to gouge your eyes out as soon as you lay eyes on their so called sister girlfriends because they are not going to get anywhere themselves and won't let the easily intimidated semi-introverts like me to get any where either but hey who's complaining.

So the reason I am awake is because I have a pounding headache because I went and saw Star Wars : The Revenge of Sith (or better still The Revenge of George Lucas the bad script writer). Class movie moment was when "Lord Sidious or Cidius reveals to our not so young Anakin Skywalker who has just turned to the not-so dark side that his secret wife Padmini (can't remember the real name, but ever gorgeous Natalie Portman, loved her in Closer) dies while giving birth to his kids, then he breaks his shackles and shouts "Guess people!!!, what would u expect in a cheesy hindi flick or a parody of a revenge flick", yes my young, padawans THE DARK DARTH VADER shouts in the most cheesiest way possible "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO". So please spare your self of the two hours of agony of cheesy dialogues straight out of a HINDI flick and rather go and watch NAINA.

NO offence to any die-hard Star Wars fans who might want me to die but hey I am complaining, about my death ofcourse.

Half Asleep Half Dazed

As I am half-awake or half-asleep whichever way you want to think of it, well as I am here right now 1:30 AM in the morning. I don't want to sleep because I don't want tomorrow to come but I know I can't stay awake longer but still in the hope that today won't pass I stay awake and think. Think!, What should I do now? Where do I go now?

I am as confused or as in-denial as I have never been before. I wish to succeed but yet I pause for a moment and think that what if all this is a waste of time, a road that leads nowhere, a conspiracy theory or just a inhumane experiment being conducted upon me by a higher force. Whatever might be the most plausible explanation to your mind, that keeps you going that ever-elusive one more day? But still I ponder upon my fate, if such a thing exists, NOW WHAT??? Where am I going???

Or If I am even asking the right questions? Don't people have doubts. I have seen people who show no signs of doubt. My dear sir, I was that man one time, no doubts, no clue but still no doubts. I was like a hero who was dumber than the post as they say, but still managed to come out on the top. But at this moment let me tell you that Ignorance is Bliss, sir. I was happy as a lark, my dear readers. But where did that happiness go don't know but let me tell you one thing, nothing matters in the end whether you had great grades or even if you the scholar that everyone said that you should be, all that matters is that you are happy in your heart and soul. But you might wonder why no-one ever includes mind in that equation because sir as I found out the mind can be never happy. It doesn't understand any emotion its like a microchip (I don't call it computer because software still gives it some heart) but microchip is cold. It sees the whole world as bunch of electrical signals, it might be the most complex thing but still is the most cold of all.

Is the world cold? Sure it is, if you are at the bottom of the food chain. Me you see my dear readers, I am the simpleton who believed the idealistic do-gooders who told us in schools that HONESTY IS THE BEST POLICY but let me tell you sir that you are going to the empty shack right next to honesty's shack where you can fry your tactlessness on the cigar stub thrown out by the feeder's at the top of the food chain. And I my friends just wanted to see how is it down there but let me tell you that Honesty maybe the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

So sir, I say plead INSANITY for where-ever you go, and you shall be absolved of all consciousness and maybe just maybe you will be happy in your mind.

As great Jagjit Singh sang "Aah ko chahiye, ik umar asar hone tak, kaun jita hai, teri zulf ke sar hone tak".

Who Am I?

While listening to Indian Ocean's Bande from soundtrack Black Friday, I hereby create history, by creating my first blog. Time stamp: 2:38PM AEST.